Monday, December 29, 2014

What If?

What if
what if everything I think I know
isn’t true at all?
could I begin to love?
would I allow myself to fall?
I see our future in your eyes
and wonder if you see the same
I’ve said I love you
do you know it’s true?
and is it true for you?
Can dreams be real?
Will we heal?
I yearn for us
I long to trust
to feel your heart 
beat with mine
to have our fingers 
intertwine
grow together,
pull us into more
yet I see me stumble
I watch me run
do you want me
is there room for more?
shall we forever be a fantasy
can I breathe?
can I be calm in the face of it all?

what if?
we were stronger together.
love meant leaping
and trusting
it's all going 
just the way it's meant to be
can I trust you?
do I trust me?
what if?
what's possible
If nothing I ever believed 
were true.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

The Lies We Tell

The lies we tell
are mostly to ourselves
though they’re often so small
they don’t seem to be a lie at all
Are you the one?
Is this what I want?
Can I be, 
The person that YOU see?
I want us to work
perhaps I’m just a jerk
Perhaps I just don’t know
let’s see how it goes
but wait,
no no
whoa
you’re not who I loved at all
Not who we said we would be
now who is the you I see?
when did I begin
to wake up with a stranger?
to not foresee a future?
when did our paths begin to vary?
my heart grows ever wary
I fear I loved an apparition
a myth we once told
now what does the future hold?
can we continue in these conditions?
once we’re past infatuation
the pleasing of another
are we growing?
or do we smother?
do we truly love each other?
perhaps love means letting go.
knowing our hearts a little more
opening the door 
finding what we’re each yearning for
because I love you:
the you you truly are
not the one you hold yourself to be
the one who’s just to please me
Because I see the you that you’ve become
and the me that’s now here
thank you for helping me to grow
it’s time for us to go

Friday, November 28, 2014

Here for more

just around the corner
over there
around the bend
on the fringes of imagination
it’s where satisfaction seems to begin
I’m so restless 
I wander as I wonder
can this be?
The thing that satisfies?
This life:
it’s so mundane
a bit of a bore
aren’t we all here 
for something more?
Something made to last?
to endure?
a legacy, a contribution?
something that ends the violence, the pollution?
isn’t it up to each of us?
But where to start?
How can I listen to my heart?
when society pulls.
The dollar rules.
How do we know which way to go
Where do we start?
Something feels off kilter,
it’s just not right:
yet where to go? 
where to turn?
so I sit:
paralyzed
as I yearn.
I want to learn
to heal.
to feel free
to love 
Can’t you feel it?
That pull
the reverie?
the twitch of the foot
the flutter in your belly
the thought that just can’t be grasped
the one that says:
this isn’t it.
Run, get out the door
this life:
it was made for something extraordinary.
You’re here for something
you just can’t see it
keep believing
keep seeking
it’s on it’s way
don’t give up
it’s just around that bend
that’s where you’ll find peace
your souls purpose
the reason for your being
is there more out there?
a reason to care?
I yearn for something.
I know there’s more
can’t quite put my finger on it
though I feel it
do you know it too?
something that pulls
something that whispers softly to you
telling you:
there’s more this life was meant for
Keep dreaming
keep seeking
you’re here to contribute to this world
here to cause:
peace, love, affinity.
Starting with today


Monday, August 11, 2014

enough?

will it ever be me?
will I get to be the one you choose
the one who lights up your room?
am I destined to be
the one you just don’t see
the friend
you don’t want to lose
but aren’t willing to love
never enough
second best
lust is great
but love just can’t be
it’s just not meant for me
I’m told:
you’re beautiful
amazing
still I just don’t want you
all you are
it’s not enough
let’s be friends
perhaps a fuck
but more?
not you, you’re merely a plaything
you’ll never be the one 

not enough for anyone

Monday, July 14, 2014

askewed view do I truly love you?

Do we truly Love
or is it just a fantasy?
an Ideal
that doesn’t match reality
and we get frustrated
we fight
we hurt
we cry
we want the you over there
to match who made up in here
does that person exist?
can we love them as they are
and as they aren’t?
can we see them big enough
to pull them into more
do they become our chore?
do they want to be the person that we see?
do we really love them
just as they be
or is the person we say we love
a desired apparition
that we chase
an expectation
unfulfilled
a lust our ego created
a lost we’ll never know
something we must let go

Do we really love people in reality?
or are we caught up
in our ego’s illusion?
the view that blinds who we see
when they don’t match our image
who we created them to be
the person in our minds
our visions
our desires
our thoughts
our delusion
that leads to disillusion
pain
frustration
hurt
the love lost
and a question
was that love ever really there?

and perhaps we can let go
thank them for allowing us to grow
let them be
love them be
tell our ego no
fulfill on possibility
be true to love
let go of the have to
the must
the fix
the change
truly begin to trust
build together
create again
be a friend
learn to love ourself
letting go of what’s not so
letting go of ego
perfectly loving
imperfect people
in every new moment
discovering again
who’s over there?
and do I care?
does it matter from my view
as it’s nothing to do
with loving you

Caught up in fantasies
that aren’t really there
tearing through
the desires we know
the illusions we harbor
the apetite unmet
the unfilled order
the molding of another
the wanting
with no road
no map
it’s certainly a trap
one our ego lays
and tells us is love
fools us in to believing
something so deceiving
I want you to be for me
not for you
change
now and forever
yet you’ll never know
who I need for you to be
for it’s not truly love
yet this we cannot see
we bumble about
more screams
more shouts
a twinkle here
a glimmer there
so we just hold on
and hope
today you will be
the person I need for me
not who you truly are
not who you could be
for this love
is to feed me
my desires
my wants
my needs
this love is an illusion
filled with disillusion
colored by me
not reality
so was this love
ever really truly love at all

when love is lost
are we sad for who’s gone?
or are we mad for being wrong?
please be the you I made up
the you that makes me right
please don’t be who you truly are
for that’s too much for me
I’m left to question
my view
what’s true
where else could I be wrong
where else must I let go?
I’m scared:
don’t you know?
can’t you understand
be the one I made you out to be
please oh please
live up to the you I’ve deluded you to be

Saturday, June 21, 2014

What's in a degree?

As the debate drags on about further education, I find myself beyond frustrated. We base these metrics on a level of "normal" that I'm here to inform you, not all children have. How do I know this? I was one of those children. Yes, the determination one finds, the grit one shows, the self knowledge, and the learning, I'm sure is astounding. Yet it's one check mark from one limited view point proving...what exactly? I created an escape plan for myself at age 9 (determination, and ingenuity). I turned my birth father in for abusing me 3 times before I was removed from my home at age 16, and it nearly cost me my life: he bruised my jaw bone with his bare hands, among other atrocities that are irrelevant to my point. I wonder how can one say: weekly court appointments, as well as living in a foster home, being removed from school for countless court obligations, you're saying this doesn't cover as much if not more, than partying it up in a dorm somewhere? I've created my own role models throughout my life, and yes, in case you're wondering: my mom and I get along just fine...now: then, not so much. I was on my own at 17, getting out, surviving: that was my long term goal. College? A pipe dream, who exactly would I turn to for a loan? When the decision is roof over your head, or debt, one chooses a roof. 60% of foster children end up homeless, 20% incarcerated. Are we stupid? Not by a long shot, we survived terrors I do hope none of you ever know. I was on the academic decathlon team, (I had to drop out as I was in court) on the honor role (I did this creating 2 versions of my homework, the one my father wanted...and the one the professor requested) when I've got the money for classes, I make the deans list. Perhaps it's time we begin to ask realistic questions regarding employablity/capability. I understand that having a degree proves a certain level of accomplishment: perhaps it's time to expand our views, and take on: there's other ways life offers that prove as much (if not more) than "I've got a degree" ever could. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

For packing light....I'm sure collecting a LOT of baggage...

And today, I'm determined to add some more! Murano gorgeous glass, check. Venetian gorgeous mask, tba (to be acquired) first, lunch. For an eating country, they have some odd rules, and it's best you're aware of them, or you'll be caught in the "no food for you" zone, roughly 3-7 as I can figure it. Granted if you've already sat, and you're still eating course number 1,500 it's all good, just don't expect to be able to sit yourself down and get anything beyond a pastry come 3, and no they really don't care if you were on a flight and unfed. Apparently, the FAA needs to abide by the schedule of the server. Knowing this, and having a grump ass pain our first day in Venice, (I asked for bread dude, BREAD, a damn inmate gets that! Ass) anywho, as we slept in after our adventures in traindom today, we decided eating prior to heading to venice and potentially being caught in no foods for you vill, was a muy bueno idea. Drat, too friggin bad this was the first day we did this!! Restaurant was YUM yumyum. Brought out crispy crunchy warm bread, a soft yogurty white cheese, and salami...and that was just the "on the house" starter! We had a bottle of proseco (as did every table that came in after us, don't judge, as they say: when in Rome!! So I say, I'm being polite thank you very much, and doing as the Italians do!) mom had a fungi spaghetti, and I had (off menu!) cabonara, after he checked to see if he had any ham delivered. Oh em frigging gee!!!  It was so fresh, the spagetti had a golden yellow hue,creamy and chunks of ham with a touch of crunch. 

Excuse the pause, I needed a moment to relive the glory of the yumminess. Frick. Bummer we're leaving today. But so so happy to have found you!!! Grab our bags and get into Venice. All the large train stations have a bag check. Smaller ones have lockers....ain't no way our stuff would fit in a locker, but just as an FYI for those who may be Italy bound! Bags safely off my shoulders (yay!) and we're off to buy masks. A word of caution....the cheap street kiosks, are likely mass produced in the same stupid place america exploits (cough China) do yourself, Italy, and child labour a favor, buy elsewhere. Now I'm not saying you must spend a fortune..and believe me, you surely can! However, it's very easy to find a shop where the masks are being painted while you're looking...and they were GORGEOUS!!! On a handle, or not. Made with: feathers, some from wire so delicate it looks like lace. Glitter, crystals, painted paper mache. Each one a piece of wearable art. We wound up with two boxes worth...and were still oogoling after our limoncello break by the canal. The shop keeper was teasing us, saying come back, come in, he had bigger boxes to fill for us. So, now with 2 boxes to add to the ever growing collection of pretty things, we head back to the station, and off to Florence! This time we have assigned seats, air-conditioning and: a bathroom. Florence= mumsie (the art major) dream city. The seat of the birth of the renaissance.
" Getting in touch with your true self must be your first priority." -- Tom Hopkins
"Our lives improve only when we take chances ... and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." -- Walter Anderson
"Adventure can be an end in itself. Self-discovery is the secret ingredient that fuels daring." -Grace Lichtenstein
 “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~ Andre Gide