What If?

What if

what if everything I think I know

isn’t true at all?

could I begin to love?

would I allow myself to fall?

I see our future in your eyes

and wonder if you see the same

I’ve said I love you

do you know it’s true?

and is it true for you?

Can dreams be real?

Will we heal?

I yearn for us

I long to trust

to feel your heart 

beat with mine

to have our fingers 

intertwine

grow together,

pull us into more

yet I see me stumble

I watch me run

do you want me

is there room for more?

shall we forever be a fantasy

can I breathe?

can I be calm in the face of it all?

what if?
we were stronger together.
love meant leaping
and trusting
it's all going 
just the way it's meant to be
can I trust you?
do I trust me?
what if?
what's possible
If nothing I ever believed 
were true.

The Lies We Tell

The lies we tell

are mostly to ourselves

though they’re often so small

they don’t seem to be a lie at all

Are you the one?

Is this what I want?

Can I be, 

The person that YOU see?

I want us to work

perhaps I’m just a jerk

Perhaps I just don’t know

let’s see how it goes

but wait,

no no

whoa

you’re not who I loved at all

Not who we said we would be

now who is the you I see?

when did I begin

to wake up with a stranger?

to not foresee a future?

when did our paths begin to vary?

my heart grows ever wary

I fear I loved an apparition

a myth we once told

now what does the future hold?

can we continue in these conditions?

once we’re past infatuation

the pleasing of another

are we growing?

or do we smother?

do we truly love each other?

perhaps love means letting go.

knowing our hearts a little more

opening the door 

finding what we’re each yearning for

because I love you:

the you you truly are

not the one you hold yourself to be

the one who’s just to please me

Because I see the you that you’ve become

and the me that’s now here

thank you for helping me to grow

it’s time for us to go

Here for more

just around the corner

over there

around the bend

on the fringes of imagination

it’s where satisfaction seems to begin

I’m so restless 

I wander as I wonder

can this be?

The thing that satisfies?

This life:

it’s so mundane

a bit of a bore

aren’t we all here 

for something more?

Something made to last?

to endure?

a legacy, a contribution?

something that ends the violence, the pollution?

isn’t it up to each of us?

But where to start?

How can I listen to my heart?

when society pulls.

The dollar rules.

How do we know which way to go

Where do we start?

Something feels off kilter,

it’s just not right:

yet where to go? 

where to turn?

so I sit:

paralyzed

as I yearn.

I want to learn

to heal.

to feel free

to love 

Can’t you feel it?

That pull

the reverie?

the twitch of the foot

the flutter in your belly

the thought that just can’t be grasped

the one that says:

this isn’t it.

Run, get out the door

this life:

it was made for something extraordinary.

You’re here for something

you just can’t see it

keep believing

keep seeking

it’s on it’s way

don’t give up

it’s just around that bend

that’s where you’ll find peace

your souls purpose

the reason for your being

is there more out there?

a reason to care?

I yearn for something.

I know there’s more

can’t quite put my finger on it

though I feel it

do you know it too?

something that pulls

something that whispers softly to you

telling you:

there’s more this life was meant for

Keep dreaming

keep seeking

you’re here to contribute to this world

here to cause:

peace, love, affinity.

Starting with today

enough?

will it ever be me?

will I get to be the one you choose

the one who lights up your room?

am I destined to be

the one you just don’t see

the friend

you don’t want to lose

but aren’t willing to love

never enough

second best

lust is great

but love just can’t be

it’s just not meant for me

I’m told:

you’re beautiful

amazing

still I just don’t want you

all you are

it’s not enough

let’s be friends

perhaps a fuck

but more?

not you, you’re merely a plaything

you’ll never be the one 

not enough for anyone

askewed view do I truly love you?

Do we truly Love

or is it just a fantasy?
an Ideal
that doesn’t match reality
and we get frustrated
we fight
we hurt
we cry
we want the you over there
to match who made up in here
does that person exist?
can we love them as they are
and as they aren’t?
can we see them big enough
to pull them into more
do they become our chore?
do they want to be the person that we see?
do we really love them
just as they be
or is the person we say we love
a desired apparition
that we chase
an expectation
unfulfilled
a lust our ego created
a lost we’ll never know
something we must let go

Do we really love people in reality?
or are we caught up
in our ego’s illusion?
the view that blinds who we see
when they don’t match our image
who we created them to be
the person in our minds
our visions
our desires
our thoughts
our delusion
that leads to disillusion
pain
frustration
hurt
the love lost
and a question
was that love ever really there?

and perhaps we can let go
thank them for allowing us to grow
let them be
love them be
tell our ego no
fulfill on possibility
be true to love
let go of the have to
the must
the fix
the change
truly begin to trust
build together
create again
be a friend
learn to love ourself
letting go of what’s not so
letting go of ego
perfectly loving
imperfect people
in every new moment
discovering again
who’s over there?
and do I care?
does it matter from my view
as it’s nothing to do
with loving you

Caught up in fantasies
that aren’t really there
tearing through
the desires we know
the illusions we harbor
the apetite unmet
the unfilled order
the molding of another
the wanting
with no road
no map
it’s certainly a trap
one our ego lays
and tells us is love
fools us in to believing
something so deceiving
I want you to be for me
not for you
change
now and forever
yet you’ll never know
who I need for you to be
for it’s not truly love
yet this we cannot see
we bumble about
more screams
more shouts
a twinkle here
a glimmer there
so we just hold on
and hope
today you will be
the person I need for me
not who you truly are
not who you could be
for this love
is to feed me
my desires
my wants
my needs
this love is an illusion
filled with disillusion
colored by me
not reality
so was this love
ever really truly love at all

when love is lost
are we sad for who’s gone?
or are we mad for being wrong?
please be the you I made up
the you that makes me right
please don’t be who you truly are
for that’s too much for me
I’m left to question
my view
what’s true
where else could I be wrong
where else must I let go?
I’m scared:
don’t you know?
can’t you understand
be the one I made you out to be
please oh please
live up to the you I’ve deluded you to be

What's in a degree?

As the debate drags on about further education, I find myself beyond frustrated. We base these metrics on a level of "normal" that I'm here to inform you, not all children have. How do I know this? I was one of those children. Yes, the determination one finds, the grit one shows, the self knowledge, and the learning, I'm sure is astounding. Yet it's one check mark from one limited view point proving...what exactly? I created an escape plan for myself at age 9 (determination, and ingenuity). I turned my birth father in for abusing me 3 times before I was removed from my home at age 16, and it nearly cost me my life: he bruised my jaw bone with his bare hands, among other atrocities that are irrelevant to my point. I wonder how can one say: weekly court appointments, as well as living in a foster home, being removed from school for countless court obligations, you're saying this doesn't cover as much if not more, than partying it up in a dorm somewhere? I've created my own role models throughout my life, and yes, in case you're wondering: my mom and I get along just fine...now: then, not so much. I was on my own at 17, getting out, surviving: that was my long term goal. College? A pipe dream, who exactly would I turn to for a loan? When the decision is roof over your head, or debt, one chooses a roof. 60% of foster children end up homeless, 20% incarcerated. Are we stupid? Not by a long shot, we survived terrors I do hope none of you ever know. I was on the academic decathlon team, (I had to drop out as I was in court) on the honor role (I did this creating 2 versions of my homework, the one my father wanted...and the one the professor requested) when I've got the money for classes, I make the deans list. Perhaps it's time we begin to ask realistic questions regarding employablity/capability. I understand that having a degree proves a certain level of accomplishment: perhaps it's time to expand our views, and take on: there's other ways life offers that prove as much (if not more) than "I've got a degree" ever could.