Here for more

just around the corner

over there

around the bend

on the fringes of imagination

it’s where satisfaction seems to begin

I’m so restless 

I wander as I wonder

can this be?

The thing that satisfies?

This life:

it’s so mundane

a bit of a bore

aren’t we all here 

for something more?

Something made to last?

to endure?

a legacy, a contribution?

something that ends the violence, the pollution?

isn’t it up to each of us?

But where to start?

How can I listen to my heart?

when society pulls.

The dollar rules.

How do we know which way to go

Where do we start?

Something feels off kilter,

it’s just not right:

yet where to go? 

where to turn?

so I sit:

paralyzed

as I yearn.

I want to learn

to heal.

to feel free

to love 

Can’t you feel it?

That pull

the reverie?

the twitch of the foot

the flutter in your belly

the thought that just can’t be grasped

the one that says:

this isn’t it.

Run, get out the door

this life:

it was made for something extraordinary.

You’re here for something

you just can’t see it

keep believing

keep seeking

it’s on it’s way

don’t give up

it’s just around that bend

that’s where you’ll find peace

your souls purpose

the reason for your being

is there more out there?

a reason to care?

I yearn for something.

I know there’s more

can’t quite put my finger on it

though I feel it

do you know it too?

something that pulls

something that whispers softly to you

telling you:

there’s more this life was meant for

Keep dreaming

keep seeking

you’re here to contribute to this world

here to cause:

peace, love, affinity.

Starting with today

enough?

will it ever be me?

will I get to be the one you choose

the one who lights up your room?

am I destined to be

the one you just don’t see

the friend

you don’t want to lose

but aren’t willing to love

never enough

second best

lust is great

but love just can’t be

it’s just not meant for me

I’m told:

you’re beautiful

amazing

still I just don’t want you

all you are

it’s not enough

let’s be friends

perhaps a fuck

but more?

not you, you’re merely a plaything

you’ll never be the one 

not enough for anyone

askewed view do I truly love you?

Do we truly Love

or is it just a fantasy?
an Ideal
that doesn’t match reality
and we get frustrated
we fight
we hurt
we cry
we want the you over there
to match who made up in here
does that person exist?
can we love them as they are
and as they aren’t?
can we see them big enough
to pull them into more
do they become our chore?
do they want to be the person that we see?
do we really love them
just as they be
or is the person we say we love
a desired apparition
that we chase
an expectation
unfulfilled
a lust our ego created
a lost we’ll never know
something we must let go

Do we really love people in reality?
or are we caught up
in our ego’s illusion?
the view that blinds who we see
when they don’t match our image
who we created them to be
the person in our minds
our visions
our desires
our thoughts
our delusion
that leads to disillusion
pain
frustration
hurt
the love lost
and a question
was that love ever really there?

and perhaps we can let go
thank them for allowing us to grow
let them be
love them be
tell our ego no
fulfill on possibility
be true to love
let go of the have to
the must
the fix
the change
truly begin to trust
build together
create again
be a friend
learn to love ourself
letting go of what’s not so
letting go of ego
perfectly loving
imperfect people
in every new moment
discovering again
who’s over there?
and do I care?
does it matter from my view
as it’s nothing to do
with loving you

Caught up in fantasies
that aren’t really there
tearing through
the desires we know
the illusions we harbor
the apetite unmet
the unfilled order
the molding of another
the wanting
with no road
no map
it’s certainly a trap
one our ego lays
and tells us is love
fools us in to believing
something so deceiving
I want you to be for me
not for you
change
now and forever
yet you’ll never know
who I need for you to be
for it’s not truly love
yet this we cannot see
we bumble about
more screams
more shouts
a twinkle here
a glimmer there
so we just hold on
and hope
today you will be
the person I need for me
not who you truly are
not who you could be
for this love
is to feed me
my desires
my wants
my needs
this love is an illusion
filled with disillusion
colored by me
not reality
so was this love
ever really truly love at all

when love is lost
are we sad for who’s gone?
or are we mad for being wrong?
please be the you I made up
the you that makes me right
please don’t be who you truly are
for that’s too much for me
I’m left to question
my view
what’s true
where else could I be wrong
where else must I let go?
I’m scared:
don’t you know?
can’t you understand
be the one I made you out to be
please oh please
live up to the you I’ve deluded you to be

What's in a degree?

As the debate drags on about further education, I find myself beyond frustrated. We base these metrics on a level of "normal" that I'm here to inform you, not all children have. How do I know this? I was one of those children. Yes, the determination one finds, the grit one shows, the self knowledge, and the learning, I'm sure is astounding. Yet it's one check mark from one limited view point proving...what exactly? I created an escape plan for myself at age 9 (determination, and ingenuity). I turned my birth father in for abusing me 3 times before I was removed from my home at age 16, and it nearly cost me my life: he bruised my jaw bone with his bare hands, among other atrocities that are irrelevant to my point. I wonder how can one say: weekly court appointments, as well as living in a foster home, being removed from school for countless court obligations, you're saying this doesn't cover as much if not more, than partying it up in a dorm somewhere? I've created my own role models throughout my life, and yes, in case you're wondering: my mom and I get along just fine...now: then, not so much. I was on my own at 17, getting out, surviving: that was my long term goal. College? A pipe dream, who exactly would I turn to for a loan? When the decision is roof over your head, or debt, one chooses a roof. 60% of foster children end up homeless, 20% incarcerated. Are we stupid? Not by a long shot, we survived terrors I do hope none of you ever know. I was on the academic decathlon team, (I had to drop out as I was in court) on the honor role (I did this creating 2 versions of my homework, the one my father wanted...and the one the professor requested) when I've got the money for classes, I make the deans list. Perhaps it's time we begin to ask realistic questions regarding employablity/capability. I understand that having a degree proves a certain level of accomplishment: perhaps it's time to expand our views, and take on: there's other ways life offers that prove as much (if not more) than "I've got a degree" ever could. 

For packing light....I'm sure collecting a LOT of baggage...

And today, I'm determined to add some more! Murano gorgeous glass, check. Venetian gorgeous mask, tba (to be acquired) first, lunch. For an eating country, they have some odd rules, and it's best you're aware of them, or you'll be caught in the "no food for you" zone, roughly 3-7 as I can figure it. Granted if you've already sat, and you're still eating course number 1,500 it's all good, just don't expect to be able to sit yourself down and get anything beyond a pastry come 3, and no they really don't care if you were on a flight and unfed. Apparently, the FAA needs to abide by the schedule of the server. Knowing this, and having a grump ass pain our first day in Venice, (I asked for bread dude, BREAD, a damn inmate gets that! Ass) anywho, as we slept in after our adventures in traindom today, we decided eating prior to heading to venice and potentially being caught in no foods for you vill, was a muy bueno idea. Drat, too friggin bad this was the first day we did this!! Restaurant was YUM yumyum. Brought out crispy crunchy warm bread, a soft yogurty white cheese, and salami...and that was just the "on the house" starter! We had a bottle of proseco (as did every table that came in after us, don't judge, as they say: when in Rome!! So I say, I'm being polite thank you very much, and doing as the Italians do!) mom had a fungi spaghetti, and I had (off menu!) cabonara, after he checked to see if he had any ham delivered. Oh em frigging gee!!!  It was so fresh, the spagetti had a golden yellow hue,creamy and chunks of ham with a touch of crunch. 

Excuse the pause, I needed a moment to relive the glory of the yumminess. Frick. Bummer we're leaving today. But so so happy to have found you!!! Grab our bags and get into Venice. All the large train stations have a bag check. Smaller ones have lockers....ain't no way our stuff would fit in a locker, but just as an FYI for those who may be Italy bound! Bags safely off my shoulders (yay!) and we're off to buy masks. A word of caution....the cheap street kiosks, are likely mass produced in the same stupid place america exploits (cough China) do yourself, Italy, and child labour a favor, buy elsewhere. Now I'm not saying you must spend a fortune..and believe me, you surely can! However, it's very easy to find a shop where the masks are being painted while you're looking...and they were GORGEOUS!!! On a handle, or not. Made with: feathers, some from wire so delicate it looks like lace. Glitter, crystals, painted paper mache. Each one a piece of wearable art. We wound up with two boxes worth...and were still oogoling after our limoncello break by the canal. The shop keeper was teasing us, saying come back, come in, he had bigger boxes to fill for us. So, now with 2 boxes to add to the ever growing collection of pretty things, we head back to the station, and off to Florence! This time we have assigned seats, air-conditioning and: a bathroom. Florence= mumsie (the art major) dream city. The seat of the birth of the renaissance.
" Getting in touch with your true self must be your first priority." -- Tom Hopkins
"Our lives improve only when we take chances ... and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." -- Walter Anderson
"Adventure can be an end in itself. Self-discovery is the secret ingredient that fuels daring." -Grace Lichtenstein
 “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~ Andre Gide

Venice dia dua

Call me the water bus queen! Got an all day pass, and yes,we put that baby to use! First and likely only time I'll ever see: a boat ambulance or a stop light on a waterway, awesome. Venice has a graveyard that is about the equivalent of San Francisco's Colma, beautifully kept grounds, famous deceased, all walled in on its own island. We went Murano glass shopping today. Yes, I did. Spent a whole afternoon shopping, and actually had fun doing it...so weird. I tell ya, that dormant girly gene is out in full force... I best beware where I travel...somebody warn me if I'm headed to the land of lots of kiddos...no waking that sleeper please...oyi... Though I do hope (and believe) the kiddo place would have a repellent effect...don't know if I wasn't lost enough or a bit too lost, however, though there was a ton of gorgeous glass pieces, the galleries near San Marco's, well (in my opinion, they win) had I known how or where to find the person who made the devil chandelier....yeah, never mind, likely a very good thing I stayed lost. For the inquiring, please note, mucho eruo was spento. We filled an entire hedgehog purse (more on him later) with pretty little glass things -I swear I'm turning into Eddie! (AbFab reference, watch it love it embrace it) got back to the main section of Venice and caught the 1 vaporetto (water bus) and took a tour of the grand canal (technically was just a bus ride...but if ya know what you're looking for {get a walking tour map} very cheap, easy way to get yer culture on!) had a (relative to european terms) earlyish din din. Super cute little cafe outside deck over the grand canal. (I'm on a mission to find the best cabonara in zee land! And if you've ever been to Italy, please tell me your fav!!) We were getting ready to go, and as I was on my way to the ladies room, what do I spy? A man with a hedgehog (purse) in his hand. I convince him (or ya know, perhaps my boobs persuaded him) to let me show it to my mom...(back story here: mumsicle collects hedgies, don't ask why or where this came from, as I have 0 clue. Anyway, thankfully it's a rarely found critter, doesn't cost me as much, glad she's not into cows or some such thing!...so though I personally wouldn't be caught with this silly ass critter, I brought it to my mom) she loved it! I had a procession behind me, as apparently it was a prototype for the winter collection...I swear if this is the new hot item of fall...I'm gonna need some grapa. Happy birthdays to mumsie, she is now the happy proud owner of "hedgie the purse." we head to the train station, frickola, just missed the 10:15pm, 3 more leaving before we're stuck till 6am, still, we checked the bus options as the next train is in +45 from now...too late, they're done hon. Ahem, always always check the digital posts...not sure if 2 of the 3 trains were no shows or on a platform other than what was written on the paper schedule. It's now past midnight, and though the paper schedule states "bus transfer" the train that's about to pull out, has the same destination, so dragging mom behind me, we dash for the closing doors....she wanted to read the whole damn listing, and was insisting this was a bus transfer...um, 2 trains on this stupid thing failed us, it's this or 6am on a bench...argue later: train, NOW! Barely make it through the door, mumsie still grumbling under her breath, both of us getting bleary eye tired, but on the train, headed home (we friggin hope!) So as I'm peering through the darkness at stops that I really don't recall from the prior trips (2 into and this is our 2nd back) I'm doing the "what ifs" in my head: okay, so if we get to the end of the line, and our stop isn't on here, if it's past 4am, might as well sleep on the stupid bench, unless getting back to the hotel via cab (damn i miss magic taxi) is less than €80. If it's 3:30amish, and the cab is +€80, hotel room and train in the am it is...Clearly after 1:30am, we're on a wrong train...shit be our stop, please crap be us...now I'm up, looking out the doors. Nope, and no I don't recall this on the prior trips. Frick frick frick. Sigh of relief, OUR stop!!! And for being such a middle of no where place, sure is a popular station for the last train of the evening...and shit, no cab...now what? Oh thank you kindness of strangers! A guy who was on the train, calls a cab (to no avail) however, the coffee shop/bar/restaurant across the way, though closed, still has employees hanging out. And I had a bira here earlier today, the server, used to work at McCormick's in SF! (sky opening, angels singing..and both mumsie and I peeing!) [me also drinking a celebratory Moretti bira!] long friggin day. Gorgeous, great fun...least now that we're back in the hotel! Oyi vey, time to hit the hay!!!
Quotes:
“I travel light. I think the most important thing is to be in a good mood and enjoy life, wherever you are.” ~ Diane von Furstenberg

I have found my shopping gene..

It lives in Italy. Apparently every woman does actually have one, who knew? Needless to say. I heart Venice. It's difficult to remember, this is actually a mainland. I feel less like an outsider here, no one stares me down because my leg is showing. I've heard more American English than I have in a month and a half...not sure what to do with myself. The place is amazingly beautiful, and the statues here, all reside in their original settings (the buildings they were built into) not in a museum. And they're complete, not missing a head, arm or nose (for the most part) the buildings are around 5- 10 stories, so walking around is like navigating a maze (much like Mykonos) though here, you dead end into water, there are 177 canals (yes, I looked it up). Venetian masks are everywhere, and they're amazing, gorgeous, beautiful, add the adjective of your choosing, it still will pale in comparison to walking through Venice. Prices range from €5.00 to €1,100. Feathers, lace, leather, crystals..beautiful, and the merchants proudly display "made in Venetia, NOT China" And the glass pieces! We're not even to the island of Morano yet, and they take your breath away. From a chandelier that had devils and fire, to earrings and animals, to giant paint brushes. Another art piece is made of painted wooden eggs that from afar create a giant mural depicting the Madonna, a sultan and other figures. Up close, you see the detail of the decorative eggs and loose the people...gorgeous. Gondolas, water buses, and taxis. Best friggin pasta (here's to walking enough to counter balance the carbs I'll be consuming!) The clock in San Marco's square has moving bronze statues of men who ring the bell....very cool, but frankly, also a bit creepy: big giant green bronze statue that moves, made in the 1500's..yowsers, no animatronics in those! There are 3 palaces (that I've found to date) in San Macros square. I could use the space normally given to a day on the trip just to describe the square, there really is THAT much to see, and yes, it's all gorgeous...pretty sure mom may have filled a gig picture drive today. The purses...well (so far!) we bought 4, in our defense 2 are for other people =]. And we've yet to do more than drool at the other leather wear (shoes, gloves, jackets...) likely a good thing we got here on a Sunday...window shopping was a bit less of a wallet drain, lots of the shops were closed...tomorrow, I smell tr-ou-ble! you need to look in every direction,(up, down, right, left) or you're likely to miss some gorgeous detail. From a dragon light fixture, to a mosaic, or a statue covered in gold. The buildings here are really weather worn, bits of stucco missing and the brick showing through, honestly looks like something we pay for in the states....here it's just happened naturally with time. Given the grander here, and the bits left over from the Greeks, Romans, and Turks....I now have a better appreciation, and sense of awe at how gorgeous the ruins of those times must have been when they were standing....it's mesmerizing. Before it sinks (no really it's a "modern" Atlantis) add it to the must see list. Words fail to describe.
Quotes:
“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”-Ashley Smith
“You are the center of your universe, and you can make anything happen.”- Ashley Smith
“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it” - Confucius